If you would do the little thing of taking the step-by-step journey, then I will do the big thing and set you free. That which tripped you up yesterday is what you will tread upon tomorrow. – Julie Meyer, Dreams and Supernatural Encounters, P. 103
It never feels like the right time to start loving God, so the wise choice is to start “now.” You will never feel prepared or adequate. Worthy or competent. You will begin with an experience of grace and end with one as well. This is what I’m learning.
I’m glad I went along with it, feeling completely inappropriate (This is so inappropriate! I would think to myself, that I am even allowed to walk in Jesus.), because through this uncertain walk, I changed and am changing every week. Last week, I prayed what I promised: Lord, reveal insecurities and I will make a step to choose you over fear. On Thursday, our bible study group had a Christmas potluck and white elephant exchange. And if you know me, you know that I have a great insecurity about gift-giving. Somewhere inside, there was a thorn inside my heart that caused me to believe that I am a terrible gifter. Thinking about it now, I recall a particular moment out of many that contributed to that false identity: I once bought my mom a pair of pear earrings but when I gave it to her, she was angry and had a fit about the cost, making it a situation about my dad’s financial provision, caused my dad to storm out of the house, and I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning she apologized to me and wore the earrings to church where she lost one, then cried herself at home after calling many many people at church to look for it. I’m embarrassed even to be talking about it right now… I hope my future husband will never tire of knowing me more, so I won’t have to be embarrassed that I have a limitless emotional memory.
Anyway, last Thursday, I was majorly nervous about my gift, a pink orchid, and the dull disappointed looks that might fall on the chooser’s face. I was sickly afraid of being hurt if people politely rejected it, which was so beautiful in my eyes and captivated me so much I impulsively bought it. But at the potluck, there was such a glorious fight over it that I couldn’t believe myself and had to go lay down in the bedroom, feeling so touched by Jesus. I felt his interest in redeeming me.
Anyway, that’s all just extra fluff. Maybe that’s not what this blog should be for. I don’t know. I guess since it’s mine, I can do whatever I want.
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My friend and mentor Brian Orme has a wonderful teaching about the orphan spirit and here’s a summary. The caveat is that unless you allow God to help you commit to discontinuing these behaviors and mentalities when you identify them, there’s no benefit in identifying them. I pray for you that you may be free from every symptom and behavior. God bless you as you journey.
The Orphan Mentality
The orphan condition is caused by the loss of a father’s love. This wound effects the very core of a person’s life from thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. This separation from a father’s love can be instant or gradual. A father can be physically present but emotionally distant.
10 Symptoms of the Orphan Mentality
Symptoms are internal feelings that wounded people experience.
- Abandonment – Some father abandonment is permanent (through death/divorce/etc.) and others are temporary. Abandonment leaves a pathway of low self-esteem and an inability to express feelings.
- Rejection – Rejection results in low self-esteem and aggressive behavior. Abandonment is not done with malicious intent but rejection is always done with malicious intent.
- Loneliness – Loneliness is not having anyone to share your heart with. It’s having no one to relate to on the level of true intimacy. Where there is a father breach, we will feel dislocated, uprooted, and isolated.
- Hopelessness - Being separated from a father may produce a feeling of despair. It can lead a person to a reckless love of danger and a belief that only today matters
- Worthlessness - When a father isn’t present physically or emotionally, then we don’t hear, “I am proud of you,” “you’re beautiful/handsome,” etc. In the absence of affirming language, we drift downwards into feeling worthless. We can believe the lie that if we had been more valuable, then our father would not have been gone or distant. This can lead to hating ourselves or even harming ourselves
- Sadness - Some can appear as the life of the party, but beneath the veneer, are very sad. When there is separation and shame, we search for something to fill the void
- Insecurity - An orphan mentality needs constant affirmation from others. People functioning in an orphan mentality tend to repeatedly ask, “you still love me, right? You do like me, yes?” The basic human need of identity isn’t met. There can be emotional withdrawal and chronic shyness or aggressive behaviors
- Hypersensitivity - When there are father wounds, we can become very sensitive to signals being sent by those around us. Hypersensitivity always derives from the loss of a warm and secure environment of attachment in childhood, either a mother or father. This can manifest as a reclusive lifestyle or relationally obsessive. There is a strong tendency for jealousy
- Fear - This is one of the most common feelings of the orphan mentality. This is when the basic human need of protection isn’t met. Fear can manifest in so many areas such as: fear of abandonment, rejection, betrayal, disapproval of others, sickness, redundancy, failure, death, being replaced, isolation, not being good enough, etc.
- Poverty - This is when the basic human need of provision isn’t met. It’s the feeling of scarcity, or never having enough, which is a foundational lie in the orphan spirit. There is always worry about never having enough. It leads us to becoming self-centered and not caring about others needs.
10 Signs of the Orphan Mentality
Signs are outward behavior problems.
- Mistrust - Derived from a deep sense of suspicion concerning the reliability of their love, we will have a hard time trusting people because it was eroded from our father relationship. If we didn’t have a father that was a source of constancy and stability, then we will believe no one is trustworthy. Mistrust breeds mistrust, so not only do we not trust others, we become untrustworthy ourselves. If our father was abusive or manipulative, then we will see any institution as agents of control
- Hiding - When we function in an orphan spirit, we will conceal our true selves. It can be physical hiding or emotional. It’s an attempt to protect our hearts from pain. This just breeds loneliness. This can lead to an uncontrollable release of pain at the wrong time with the wrong people. A third kind of hiding is verbal, where we hide behind the plethora of our words
- Superficiality - If we function in a orphan spirit, we will live at the superficial level. This is linked to hiding. Our relationships with others are formed on the basis of what we can extract from others not on what we can give of ourselves. Delving too deep into the heart is too dangerous and painful, so we must stay shallow
- Attachments - The reason we are drawn to addictions with an orphan spirit is because it alters our moods and masks our pain. There are five different kinds of additions: Substance, Behavior, Technology, People, Ideology. The loss of a healthy attachment (to a father) leads to unhealthy attachments (to father substitutes).
- Manipulation - This can be defined as the attempt to gain control over others through the use of underhanded means. This is birthed out of fear, where we are frightened of being hurt again. To insulate against pain, we seek to dominate and control others into doing what we want. It is a highly toxic form of influence. The negative tactics are: Deception, Spin, Shaming, Exploitation, Intimidation, Evasion, Blackmail, Yelling, Lying, Denial, Sulking, Silent Treatment, etc. The positive tactics are: Praise, Charm, Sympathy, Gifts, Approval, Seduction, Attention, etc. All manipulators aim for certain “buttons” which are:
- Need for Approval
- Need for Acceptance
- Need for Love
- Need for Protection
- Need for Belonging
- Need for Resources
- Need for Control
- Need for Position
- Anger – When we have been robbed of a father’s love, we will feel a sadness over what we’ve missed and a deep resentment against our father for not being there. It’s a toxic mixture of grief and rage. When a father is abusive, this can lead to emulating the behavior.
- Selectivity - When we function in an orphan spirit we are often selective about what we remember. This is about blocking out painful memories that might produce a negative picture about ourselves
- Fantasy – We will have a tendency to indulge in fantasy. This is morally neutral, neither good nor bad. This is about creating a fictional version of our lives in order to protect ourselves from harmful emotions connected with our life script. It’s a disconnection from reality. Sometimes as we live from an orphan spirit, we speak about past events in a way that doesn’t seem to correspond to what actually happened.
- Misinterpretation - To misinterpret someone is to interpret or explain what they have said in the wrong way. It’s about a deep expectation of disappointment, so I interpret what others say as negative.
- Independence - This is the desire to be free from the control, guidance, oversight, and influence of other people. Fatherlessness is a breeding ground for independence. This causes us to be overly suspicious of authority figures and deeply cautious of any submission. The absence of a father causes us to grow up without boundaries and without a healthy respect for authority. If we had a controlling father and/or mother we will have a hard time being accountable in a trusting way to authority figures.
He’s gonna turn it all around, just wait and see
He’s gonna make everything beautiful just in time.
