Lovetapped

I have to write four pages in the next four hours.

And I’m sleepy.

Testing

You gathered pieces of me from everywhere
You snatched me to safety from the lion’s lair
And you sat down with your magic glue
In that moment It was true I’m in love with You
I’m in love with You
I’m in love with You

So here, we talked about the journey of emptying that God takes us through, just as Jesus did as he emptied himself, submitted even to death on the cross, to be exalted by God to the highest place, even higher than he started. I want to be empty, and I am confused, so apparently we must empty “ourselves” – that emptying is something that we are very responsible for making the choice for… I am sure God will help, He does empty us, but well the bible says Jesus emptied “himself.” God, how do I make myself willing? How do I empty myself? Make myself nothing? Because of the scriptures, no one can lie to themselves, and say that You will eventually make us picture-perfect humble while we just sit and enjoy the sun – giving it all away requires suffering. I am so frustrated with my own heart sometimes, so disgusted with my selfishness. I would like for you to tell me that you love me and you are pleased with me right now, I really need you, I need you to help me deal with the pain of wanting you.

When I spend time with God, I am quite uncertain whether this is good but it works for now, I sometimes recall a memory and try to comprehend it with Him. Today, I thought of a funny thing.

At an All Day Training, actually one of the last during my 2nd year, we were at Alyson’s, and my heart felt very heavy and disturbed. I often felt so, almost every time, when I was with Passion Church, and I wasn’t sure why. I think it was a number of different things, one of the main reasons being rejection issues. I was very vulnerable to the enemy’s lies about acceptance at church (well, to be honest that problem still exists) and at times it was quite difficult to bear. That entire year, Jaeson had advised me to continue going to Passion Church in a very brotherly manner. That particular ADT was the day Jaeson planned to reveal his 27 points on how to find your spouse based on the story of Isaac and Rebekah. I had meant to stay for the whole thing but I felt overwhelmed by all the terrible thoughts of rejection, frustration, and dissatisfaction in my mind. Surreptitiously, I stepped to the back near the kitchen and searched through the million pairs of shoes, hoping no one might catch me. “Are you leaving, Sophie?” came a baritone voice, one that I much feared to be honest. I jumped, and turned sheepishly toward Jaeson, who with arms crossed had probably meant to stay at the back for the purpose of being close to the door… “Yes, I’m really sorry, I wish I could stay…” He looked at me with that dead serious face, his eyes focusing intensely, the way they get when he prays and exorcises demons. “Why are you leaving?” I don’t know why I lied, “I’m sick.” He said pointedly, “How?” I put my hand over my heart as my eyes welled up with tears, hoping he would just let me pass, “Just here somewhere.” “Do you need me to take you to the hospital?” “No, I think I just need to go home. “Okay, go home and rest, Sophie,” he commanded giving me a hug. With tears leaking down my cheeks, I managed to put on my shoes (they appeared!) and snuck out the door for the long walk home.

Most of the time I don’t figure anything new about these memories, but just wonder about why they happened. And why I felt so rejected when people would spoil me like a child with their loving patience. yeah.

When someone comes over, no matter how familiar that person is, I would like very much to put priority on that person, aka not plotting ways to sneak 20 minutes to write a new blog post, no matter how much you feel like you need to write it.

define: exploit
A heroic or an extraordinary deed; an achievement; the first summit of mount Everest was a stunning exploit.

“The people who know their God shall be strong and carry out great exploits.” Daniel 11:32

Today, Yao and I joined several others, those brothers and sisters, at De Neve dining hall for lunch. On our way there, we made good use of the angle of the sun for the making of shadow animals and hearts which stretched out in perfect contrast before us on the cracked and dusty sidewalks of our beloved Village. The others left at 2 for All Day Training, leaving Jason, Yao, and I to finish our lunch in the more intimate company. Jason parted ways with us soon after we departed from the restaurant, and Yao and I were left to journey home in solitude. I exclaimed,

“I was hoping that the sun would have moved to the other side of us at a supplementary angle so that we could make shadows that stretch out before us in the way it did before!”

Yao snickered, of course, at the foolery. For we would have had to lunch for 6 hours for the sun to reposition that way, I realized of my own senselessness.

“If we turn backwards, we could see our shadows,” I wisely advised my Yao. We turned backwards, walking cautiously, making dog shadows barking, whining, licking, and many friendship hearts. We stumbled and quickly forgot about our shadows, having to focus instead on avoiding those humans who were walking frontward right.

Yao spoke, “This reminds me of that man in the Guinness book of records who walked backwards for many years.”

“No! This is so difficult, we are working muscles that we normally don’t use.”

“He did. He quite liked it in the end. He would begin to walk backwards from the moment he got out of bed. He used a mirror to look behind him.”

Hearing of such a person and deed re-motivated me to continue. I felt I must taste of that experience.

Up and down the hills of Gayley and trekking through the broken and rocky concrete of Kelton, we walked backwards. Yao was occasionally twisting to look behind for the sake of watching for obstacles, which caused her to lose her slippers. “Trust! Yao, Trust!”

“You’re right. Trust is important.” We continued on this way. Men and women watched as they passed us, unoffended, merely surprised. People slowed their cars rather dangerously to observe us cross adjacent streets, perhaps holding their breath for us not to trip on the curb. Others tried not to smile as we made a backwards single file line on the right side so they may pass us.

On Kelton, three young men: “Why are you walk backwards?!” “For the record,” Yao shouted back. “Good luck with that!” They grinned at us, we grinned back, with much appreciation.

Further down, a burly male in a wife beater on his front porch on the phone with his girlfriend noticed, “What are you girls doing?” We laughed. “I won’t lie, it tripped me out for a second.” We laughed some more, and he tentatively chuckled as well, into the phone: “It’s these girls on the street, they’re walking backwards.”

On Veteran, a young man with tattoos remarked from down the street where we were headed, “You’re walking backwards!” “Yes!” I agreed enthusiastically. “Just in case you didn’t know!” “Thanks!” He paused to look back before unlocking his gate with bemusement in his eyes. I waved as he smiled.

Oh how you touch my heart everyday, my Lord. I have one life to live and all I have to give to you is my love. One life to live.

We approached our garage, the door of which lay wide open. We climbed the stairs, with minimal use of the railing, slowly but surely made it to our destination. As we sat exhausted on the carpet, Yao noted, “It’s all these big white men who get curious.”

“How did you know that’s what I was thinking! People are all wanting for something interesting to look at.”

“Yet, each person is afraid to be that thing, the thing that is looked at.”

Remember when, in each our lives, that we were willing to be looked at, for the sake of representing the One and to be witness to what has been done and the victory that has been won. What outrageous interesting things we are to look at! When was that? What was the condition of our hearts? The lost would come, to stand and watch, with bemusement in their eyes, ask “What are you doing?” “Why do you do it?” “Why do you live this way?” “You are loving shamelessly, a spectacle, in public, in case you did not know.” I remember smiling at them, and they would smile back, not understanding but made to smile because of it. The world is waiting for something to look at, something to stand around for on their porch, to slow their cars, to stop at their gates, to stop them in their tracks, something that would cause them to smile and laugh, delighted, but not understanding that it’s freedom and set apartness from the standards of the world and secure spirits that is tickling them in the ribs. Yes, set yourself on fire and the world will come to watch you burn. God, I would love to be a spectacle for you! Just walking backwards made those five men smile and approach us in curiosity. The world isn’t opposed to intrusions to their mundane lives; they are wanting for it. I want to dance and sing in the town square so that they may be made to smile, laugh, and be curious. I like it; hire me now! Make me a spectacle now!

Companionship comes very naturally between Yao and I, I certainly do not realize that many of the things we do without thinking would be quite unnatural to do with other people. What effort those things would cost.

Yao and I normally go to sleep at the same time and wake up at the same time, which means also that we would wake up when one of us is late for something. This is how it happens. At night we set our alarms, I normally set it to an ambitious time, up to 5 hours before I actually have something to go to, such as 6:30. We’re always too tired to wake up at my alarm, so we wait for Yao’s alarm. She’s very good at waking up when it’s necessary. She prods me and I either choose to share in her misery or feel very bad but tell her that I’ll sleep in…. Anyway, it’s usually that she’s awake before me, and she also has to go to something earlier than me. Today, I was the one who had an appointment at 10. I don’t prod Yao, I shout at her, UP UP UP! lol For no reason, other than misery loves company. Per usual, she suggested, you should eat something. I responded, no it’s okay. She drove me to class, I had a successful meeting. I get hungry. Yao comes back on campus and joins me in powell, handing me a brown paper bag. “For lunch” she states. I am embarrassed.

Excursus: Yesterday morning, while we were dressing to go to school in the early morning, Yao said, “I feel like it will be cold outside.” I shrugged “I don’t know,” my typical response to everything in the morning. We walked to the shuttle stop and I admitted, very sheepishly, “You’re right it’s kind of cold.” She pulled out a scarf from her backpack, “It’s my emergency scarf.” I gratefully wrapped it around my neck. “Sometimes I have up to 4 emergency scarves just in case.”

I need to go meet her at Broad now so I will continue this later. My personal life to the detail on the web. – -

We were looking through my old blog, Yao and I.

I said, “Why was I so sad?”

She said, “Because…”

I said, “Because I was lonely for Jesus.”

“Yes.”

“I can’t believe he came. He came so strongly!”

“He sloppily kissed you.”

I wonder if anyone is going to get the hang of this. I read Yao’s blog and use some of the words and phrases that stand out from her entries as a point of departure for mine.

So…

I am at home in San Jose right now. On my bed with a single lamp on in my room using my dad’s laptop. The virus protection is outdated, I note. When inquired of, my dad responds, “I know. I don’t have money right now.”

Home is never the vacation you think it will be. When you’re away, you’re thinking of. Warmth, familiarity, the frame of mind of it being okay to put your working life on hold. Reading Harry Potter until the wee hours of the morning and beyond. Eating five or six full meals a day. But on top of that…. you know the reality…

Brokenheartedness hits me full in the chest, and within just a weekend, I know how much I am in need of Away. My heavenly Father likes to add that He would like to humble me…. When I think to myself, I have grown so much through these past few years of living in Los Angeles; I do believe I am ready to move in with the family. He likes to add, So you think you’re ready eh?

Come on Come on. I got your back and you got mine. You know. That scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith (super sexy movie) in the home improvement warehouse with all the machine guns. That’s us.

I don’t know what to say to my dad except, “I’m sorry.” I worried my mom today by letting her know that I spent an unusual amount of money at costco the other day. I was trying something new. I never spent that much money on food at once before. I had just come off a fast and was delusional. She was very sweet, “I know you spend carefully, but don’t get food from Costco anymore.” I had already decided that the day of Costco. She needn’t worry. But I do feel terrible for my dad’s expired virus protection.

Yao and I talk way too much after getting in bed (which we do at the same time nearly every night). One time she mused “I wonder how God felt when I was born.” We soaked in that for a few minutes then she explicated, “my dad said when my sister was born, he was very shocked.” I frequently laugh at the special way she tells her tales. “Why was he shocked? He knew she was coming…” “Yes, but my mom was in labor for so long that when it was over he was shocked.” “In a bad way or a good way?” “In a good way.”

More

Silence.

I began to think… I think my dad loves me very much… I am such a leaky faucet… I cry anytime for any reason.

Yao broke the silence. “Even though they [Asian American fathers] don’t express it. When I think about all the things my dad did, I realize he loves me very much.”

I hope one day I can take care of my dad the way he took care of me.

This year is good. Really good.

This year, we feel like us. This year we are praying.

This year we are loving

And smiling extra.

And listening to the one who lives in our hearts.

Jesus, let’s stop dating. I want you to move in with me.