I potted six miniature cyclamens that I bought at the farmer’s market on Saturday. It took me a long while to choose the colors and the man selling them was so friendly and helpful.
I bought two violet, two gleaming white, and two bright reds. As I was potting them, I felt like the white stood for forgiveness, the reds for revitalized passion, and the violet for “self.” I was a little offended with the last one and tried to persuade myself that the violets actually represents creativity, which I am asking the Lord for more of. But I just knew they represented self, and the Lord told me to take special care of them.
I guess I was offended because I don’t want to have any of my flowers remind me of my selfishness. I don’t want to pray over and water cyclamens that will make me think of how much lack I have in my soul and all that I am seeking after that I haven’t been strong enough to attain. The violet cyclamens represent seeking after the wholeness of the self, the self of heavenly design, stripped free of the extras I pasted over myself as I grew up and learned about survival. Of course, God wants us to do more than survive. He wants to emancipate us from earthly thinking and catapult us into the best of life. The violet ones are so beautiful, it feels like they’re doing good for my eyes when I look at them, yet they make me so sad because I’m afraid they will be the first to die, and it will pierce me that I may never reach full bloom. I know this is not right, it’s not the reason why the Lord says to pray for myself. And I know I don’t have to feel selfish in that, because it was also clear to me that the Violet Ones mean the discovery and understanding of true self for everybody I know. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m not actually really sad about thing but the tears flow so much only because I have a seratonin/ prolactin imbalance or just crazy hormones in general. There’s really nothing much to be sad about.
I don’t know, Lord, I don’t know! Is what I always want to say to Him, even when he’s not asking me a question. I still feel like a neophyte at what you do, but do what you do.
